It happens, Beloved Community – toxic people are out there and occasionally we have to deal with them in our lives. The toxic person I had in my personal life (who thankfully is gone) taught me some valuable lessons the hard way. Even still, when a toxic client showed up for a tarot reading last month I was caught with my guard down (because I was hurried), and I suffered an energetic attack, among other things. I had help from my wonderful Reiki Master cleaning up the energy attack (and getting reminded of the importance of grounding and shielding my energy better – it was definitely a rush job). But the emotional healing I had to deal with mostly on my own for a bit.
I do the work I do as an educator and tarot reader because I genuinely wish to help people better themselves and their lives. So help me, I actually care about people. Therefore, when the toxic client reached out again and I felt I was better prepared, I gave them a second reading session. Mistake. I cannot help this person. And quite frankly at this point, I don’t want to even if I could. It’s taken me several days to get over the substantial ego-bruising, negatively judgmental, and hypocritical onslaught from this individual. I want them out of my life – period. No, “if they do this, then maybe…”. Just no. And that’s the best way to deal with toxicity – get it out of your life and keep it out. Protect yourself. Don’t bargain or make deals with them, just keep them out of your life.
If only it were that easy, eh? The first difficult task is recognizing that someone is toxic. There’s no psychological definition for ‘toxicity’. Toxic people do have several common traits however, and the best way to figure out what you’re dealing with is to really look at how that person is making you feel. Further down in this article are some guidelines for recognizing a toxic person.
Then then second part is figuring out how to either get them out of your life, or, if that’s not possible, diminishing and even eliminating the effect they have on you. Are either of these possible? I have removed one of the most toxic people I’ve ever known from my life, and I was hopelessly entangled with them for over 20 years. I’m not saying it was easy – far, far from it. But I did it because at some point, I realized I had to.
Separating From Toxicity, My Story (in brief):
I was raised by a mentally ill, toxic step-parent. Because I lived with them from a young age, it was hard to understand their behavior and the negative impact it had on me. Once I matured enough to see how negatively this person affected me, it took years to slowly separate myself from them. But due to their highly toxic nature, I found it difficult to figure out how to get them out of my life to the degree I really wanted. This was someone who was a parental figure for me for 2 decades and just shutting them out was hard (and they did everything they could to make it harder). But at the same time I was starting to realize that there was no way to keep them at a safe distance. I had to completely separate myself from them.
One day, I finally reached a point after receiving a shockingly nasty verbal attack (on 9/11/01, nonetheless), where I had finally had enough. I hung up the phone for the last time and never took their calls again. I didn’t open their letters or cards (and was blessed to have a partner who supported me through this process – I don’t know if I could have done it alone), and made it clear to my sibling that I wanted nothing to do with our step-parent ever again. It took 23 years of emotional and psychological abuse for me to get to that place where I could finally hang up the phone, literally and figuratively, forever.
Ironically, I didn’t start deep counseling work until well after actually separating from the toxic person in my life – it was my husband and friends who got me through the separation. Having even just one person in your life who is aware of the work your doing to get away from a toxic individual can be a major blessing. Having a support system in place of friends and family and/or professionals can help you get through the hardest parts of your own separation from toxicity.
Separating From Toxicity, Your Story:
How do you know when it’s time to separate from someone? There’s no psychological diagnosis for ‘toxicity’ as I mentioned above. Whether or not your toxic person has a mental illness that’s affecting their behavior, or they’re suffering from past trauma (either/both of these are likely with toxic people) really doesn’t matter (unless you are professionally treating them, which we’ll assume not). Don’t let them use their past to guilt you into staying with them. What matters is the effect they have on you. Here are some (very general) guidelines I like that I found on WebMD. If you have someone in your life who meets these criteria and makes you feel this way all the time, it is likely time to separate yourself from them.
Signs someone in your life is toxic:
- You feel like you’re being manipulated into something you don’t want to do.
- You’re constantly confused by the person’s behavior.
- You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes.
- You always have to defend yourself from this person.
- You never feel fully comfortable around them.
- You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence.
You don’t have to live with this behavior, or the horrible feelings it raises in you. You are worth more than that. And you don’t have to deal with it alone. Here are a handful of resources to help you start dealing with toxic people:
- WebMD Article on Recognizing Toxic People
- Psychology Today Article on Dealing with Toxic People
- Alanon – “Help and hope for family and friends of Alcoholics [Addicts]”
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
There are understandably circumstances when we just can’t completely remove a toxic person from our lives. If that is the situation, then set boundaries with them. And be clear with them about your boundaries – if your toxic person is suffering from addiction, tell them you’ll only deal with them when they’re sober. Or you’ll only spend X amount of them with them per week.
If you’re able, ground, center and shield yourself prior to spending any time with them, and ground, center and cleanse yourself after you’re away from them. Washing your hands and clearing your aura are both quick, effective cleansing techniques. If you don’t know how to ground and shield your energy, check out Invisible Armor – it’s a short book that can help anyone learn how to take care of their energy, and I highly recommend it.
Ultimately, toxic people are, by their nature, hard to keep boundaries with, and will keep on draining us one way or another as long as they’re in our lives. You have to decide if the time and energy it takes to continually protect yourself from them is worth it – many times it isn’t, and separating from the toxic person is ultimately the best solution.
Back to my toxic (now former) client. What have I learned? To better ground and shield my energy – yes, of course. But… can I do better recognizing a toxic person more quickly? Yes. I can also be extremely clear about what kind of clients I do and do not want to work with. And I can set boundaries however I need to when people are making me uncomfortable.
Ultimately I received 2 gifts from this situation: the first is clarification of what I want in a client, and how to communicate that. The second is this article – my offering of help to those in toxic relationships. I hope that sharing my stories and resources may be of service to you.
Blessed Be.
